I would like to share here a little of my story of being a Christian and growing in my relationship with God.
I was raised by a Christian mother and an agnostic father along with my younger brother. My mom took us both to church since we were babies and my dad didn't have a problem with that. From an early age I learned about God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and church was a regular part of my life. I remember accepting Jesus during the altar call when visiting a friend's church. I was around 8 years old at the time and remember understanding that I was a sinner and that I needed to be saved. As a child I remember always believing in God, and trying to do the right thing as best as I could. Sometimes I would have some dreams that I knew were from God and that would come to pass. It didn't happen very often though.
When I was 12 years old, I learned that one day Jesus was going to return to this world and that started a hunger in me to learn everything I could about the end times. By the time I turned 13, I started becoming a little rebellious towards my parents, but never did anything that was considered too bad. People would always say what a good kid I was. I never got into trouble for anything, never smoked, nor drank, never used drugs, didn't like to party and wasn't promiscuous. I didn't have any pull towards those things, even though I hung out with friends who would engage in some of them. I still went to church as a teen and was involved with the choir, choreography and play. I had friends from church and outside the church as well. During my teen years, I had a few bouts of depression, but was never diagnosed. I also was very anxious especially when interacting with strangers and people that made me feel uncomfortable. I had some internal struggles because of anxiety and also some anguish and would frequently lash out at my mom. As I was going through the teen stage, I had some interest in the things of God, but was mostly distracted by the things of the world, like boys, secular music and concerts, movies, etc.
Around 17 years old I stopped going to church, but still continued to be regarded as a good kid and didn't get involved with anything that was considered too bad. I was mad at God and at my parents because of some things that happened in my life and that is what drove me away from church and from God. By the time I was 19, I made a purely rational decision of going back to church and following God, because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that He was real and Jesus was the only true way to be followed.
When I was 20 years old, I was baptized and felt a sense of belonging to God's family. I kept going to church and being involved with ministry, including children's ministry, would read my Bible every day, but I felt kind of dry on the inside. I felt there had to be more to the Christian walk than what I was experiencing. Sometimes I would go out with church friends to witness about Jesus to people. I also had a lot of emotional struggles and insecurities inside of me that no one knew. I felt somewhat drawn to occult things, loved horror movies, and liked to read books that involved occult things, but I would tell myself that I was not participating in any of those things, it was just for entertainment. I remember one time, when I was 24, questioning why the dark side seemed more interesting than the things of the light. I found out later that that was because my knowledge of God was close to null back then, even tough I had a lot of head knowledge.
For the first part of my life, from the age of 0-9 years old my mom took my brother and I to a cessationist church, which is a church that holds the belief that the baptism and gifts of the Holy Spirit are not for today, since we have the Bible. Then, my mother started attending a church that believed in the baptism and gifts of the Spirit and I became kind of curious about that. I had never seen anyone being used in the gifts of the Spirit until we moved to that church. I was curious and sometimes would wish that I was baptized with the Holy Spirit, would throw a popcorn prayer asking for it and then years would pass until I would ask again, but nothing happened. Now I am baptized with the Holy Spirit, but even before that, sometimes, the Holy Spirit would remind me of Bible verses or Christian songs in times of need even though I wasn't very close to Him because my attention was mostly in the things of this world, even though I had a desire to have a close relationship with God deep within me.
By the time I was 27, I was going through the motions with my Christian life, until the Holy Spirit started a process of conviction within me. Like I mentioned before, I loved occult things, read fiction books that had occult themes and watched movies of the genre. I spent a lot of my free time entertaining myself with those things. During my Bible readings which were very mechanical and rushed, I started getting convicted when I read about God condemning occult things. I tried to justify in my mind again that I wasn't practicing any occultism, just entertaining myself with movies and books, but God didn't see it that way. I started feeling convicted like never before every time I read my Bible! I tried to ignore the conviction but I couldn't. I could feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit even when I listened to some Christian songs. I just couldn't escape it and thank God for that! One day I was on my laptop just looking at some fiction, when I heard the Holy Spirit, not in an audible voice, but a voice within me that didn't have a sound. His voice was not in my head either, but came from within my spirit. He asked me if I intended to spend my entire life entertaining myself like that and I felt very convicted. I said no, but that I didn't know how to stop, because I was literally addicted to that type of stuff. A few days later God gave me the strength to just get rid of everything that drew me to the occult and even other worldly things that took His place in my life. I replaced the time that I spent with that type of entertainment by reading the Bible, and reading books about the end times which was my favorite Bible topic. I completely lost desire not only for entertaining myself with occult things, but didn't have desire for anything worldly at all, not for books, nor movies or music. The day I decided to let go of the things I was being convicted of, I said to God that I didn't love Him, but that I wanted to. He started igniting a love for Him in me ever since.
When I was 29 years old, my relationship with God and my desire for Him was growing and I was part of a Bible study group that was doing the Daniel fast, which is a fast that you eat fruits and vegetables only, but there are variations, and they were doing it for 21 days. I decided to join the fast and a strong desire came over me to ask for the baptism of the Holy Spirit. This Bible verse kept coming to me: “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." (Matthew 7:7-8). The desire for the baptism of the Holy Spirit and gift of tongues which was the one the Holy Spirit wanted to give me at the time was literally burning within me during the fast. "Follow the way of love and eagerly desire gifts of the Spirit, especially prophecy." (1 Corinthians 14:1). Four days before the fasting was over, I was at home sitting on my couch listening to worship music and singing to God when I felt a fire literally in my heart that went up my throat and out of my mouth and I started speaking in tongues. I felt a lot of things during the baptism with the Holy Spirit but this post is already long enough, so I won't share them in the meantime.
The baptism of the Holy Spirit helped me a lot with understanding scriptures in ways I had never understood before and receiving many insights from God. My desire for God has ebbs and flows of being steadfast and then having a burning desire to know Him more. I am constantly seeking God, to know Him and do His will and want to share with many what I have learned from Him and that is why I created this blog. I just wanted to share more in depth the reason for starting this blog and my journey with God thus far.
Hope it blesses you!
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